Waking Up
I feel like I've woken up from some fevered state, eyes clear and dry, skin cool, feeling clean and cold.

I don't know if this is another temporary lapse on my part where I get a break from myself and all that happened or this is evidence of permanency. I would like to think the latter. I don't feel that attachment any more, and I don't think I feel that on her part either, unless I'm blocking it now, which is fine with me. I can see the sun, I can feel the wind and I don't hear things from yesterday like before.

I lost sight of what I've known all along, and that is that I built myself up to where I am *alone* - I defined the path I walk and *I* am to thank for my success and my privilege. No other. I fucking forged my place among the masses and I *let* trash make me think otherwise, let me think I was one of the many dregs that limps along in a drooling stupor. I've come to see my shadow, I walked through it right onto the other side.

I am better than all of it.

All this time I thought I was the problem, that I was the one that wasn't catching the train on time. The truth of the matter is that I'm on a different ship entirely. No more chasing mediocrity in lonely fits, in low and darkened states of wanton acceptance, a slave to the body and its low standards. No more.

I will go after what I want and take it. I will rise to the lofty ideals above and beyond, hold onto the mediocrity of the "day to day" with a clenched fist and shatter it against the walls with clenched teeth and flashing eyes.

But I would not have made it here without the help of friends who took my hand and pulled me up and out of the broken glass and rusty nails, bleeding and screaming. I feel this is the sort of debt I can never repay, I only hope I can offer open arms when their time comes to pass.