| Waking up angry... |
[Nov. 12th, 2008|07:49 am] |
| [ | Music |
| | A Perfect Circle - Thomas | ] |
Nothing like it...
Show me the way to forgive you
Allow me to let it go
Allow me to be forgiven
And show me the way to let go
Illuminate me |
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| High above it all... |
[Nov. 5th, 2008|06:24 pm] |
And it feels right this time
On his crash course with the big time
Pay no mind to the distant thunder
New day fills his head with wonder, boy
Says it feels right this time
Turned it 'round and found the right line
“Good day to be alive, sir
Good day to be alive,” he says |
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| Waking Up |
[Nov. 4th, 2008|09:37 pm] |
I feel like I've woken up from some fevered state, eyes clear and dry, skin cool, feeling clean and cold.
I don't know if this is another temporary lapse on my part where I get a break from myself and all that happened or this is evidence of permanency. I would like to think the latter. I don't feel that attachment any more, and I don't think I feel that on her part either, unless I'm blocking it now, which is fine with me. I can see the sun, I can feel the wind and I don't hear things from yesterday like before.
I lost sight of what I've known all along, and that is that I built myself up to where I am *alone* - I defined the path I walk and *I* am to thank for my success and my privilege. No other. I fucking forged my place among the masses and I *let* trash make me think otherwise, let me think I was one of the many dregs that limps along in a drooling stupor. I've come to see my shadow, I walked through it right onto the other side.
I am better than all of it.
All this time I thought I was the problem, that I was the one that wasn't catching the train on time. The truth of the matter is that I'm on a different ship entirely. No more chasing mediocrity in lonely fits, in low and darkened states of wanton acceptance, a slave to the body and its low standards. No more.
I will go after what I want and take it. I will rise to the lofty ideals above and beyond, hold onto the mediocrity of the "day to day" with a clenched fist and shatter it against the walls with clenched teeth and flashing eyes.
But I would not have made it here without the help of friends who took my hand and pulled me up and out of the broken glass and rusty nails, bleeding and screaming. I feel this is the sort of debt I can never repay, I only hope I can offer open arms when their time comes to pass. |
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| Rev. 22:20 |
[Oct. 31st, 2008|10:15 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | alice | ] |
| [ | Music |
| | Puscifer - Rev. 22:20 | ] |
Don't be aroused
By my confession
Unless you don't give a good goddamn about redemption
I know
Christ is coming
And so am I
And you would too if this sexy devil caught your eye
She'll suck you dry
And still you'll cry
To be back in her bosom
To do it again
She'll make you weep
And moan and cry
To be back in her bosom
To do it again
Pray! - 'Til I go blind
Pray! - 'Cause nobody ever survives
Praying to stay in your arms just until I can die a little bit longer
Saviors and saints
Devils and heathens alike
She'll eat you alive
Jesus is risen
It's no surprise
Even he would
Martyr his momma to ride to Hell between those thighs
The pressure is building
At the base of my spine
If I gotta sin to see her again then I'm gonna lie, lie, lie
She'll make you cry
I'll sell my soul to be back in your bosom
Gladly, now please suck me dry
And still you'll cry
To be back in her bosom
Do it again
Pray! - 'Til I go blind?
Pray! - 'Cause nobody ever survives
Praying to stay in her arms just until I can die a little bit longer
Saviors and saints
Devils and heathens alike
She'll eat you alive
My pulse has been rising
My temples are pounding
The pressure is so overwhelming and building
So steady there, Freddy,
I'm ready to blow
What is she - What is she - What is she waiting for?
Pray! - Pray 'til I go blind
Pray! - Pray 'cause nobody ever survives
Praying to stay in her arms just to die a little longer
Saviors and saints
Devils and heathens alike
She'll eat you alive... |
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| 27 Years: 10,000 Days |
[Oct. 29th, 2008|11:24 am] |
Listen to the tales and romanticize,
How we follow the path of the hero
Boast about the day when the rivers overrun,
How we'll rise to the height of our halo
Listen to the tales as we all rationalize
Our way into the arms of the savior
Set as I am in my ways and my arrogance
Burden of proof tossed upon non-believers
You were my witness, my eyes, my evidence
10,000 days in the fire is long enough.
I'm going home... |
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| Ascension |
[Oct. 28th, 2008|09:09 pm] |
| [ | Music |
| | Tool - 10,000 Days (Wings Part 2) | ] |
You're the only one who can hold your head up high,
Shake your fist at the gates saying,
"I have come home now!
Fetch me the Spirit, the Son and the Father,
Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended.
It's time now!
My time now!
Give me my
Give me my wings!" |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 26th, 2008|10:49 pm] |
|
No more options left. |
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| Wish it all away |
[Oct. 25th, 2008|11:00 am] |
The devil and his had me down,
in love with the dark side I'd found.
Dabbling all the way down.
Up to my neck
Soon to drown
But you,
changed that all for me,
lifted me up, turned me 'round.
So I
I
I
I
I would
I would
I would
Wish this all away |
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| Kirijini |
[Oct. 23rd, 2008|09:00 pm] |
The fact that we are alive may mean that we have already been chosen for some purpose, and if life is not something we have chosen for ourselves, then maybe we are not ultimately free to die.
-The Way of the Samurai, Yukio Mishima on Hagakure in Modern Life
In the midst of looking for a Japanese language tutor, I drifted to martial arts instructors which lead me to a mixed martial class and then to a Kendo/Iaido class that is taught regularly here in little old Springfield. I attended tonight to watch and ask questions and am elated by what I saw and heard taking place. It's a small class, about six students and I recognized several things from the Iaido and Kendo reading I had done previously.
It also turns out that the head sensei drives to Bloomington for Kendo/Iaido practice every other Saturday with the same group of students. It's ironic that I've been driving to Bloomington every other weekend as well, though for the purpose of visiting a friend of mine. I watched sensei work with a student who asked about Musashi's Niten-ryū style, and sensei demonstrated some katas from it, which was pretty goddamn interesting to watch.
No flair, no bells and whistles, no "belt selling" just no-nonsense, friendly and open atmosphere. The head sensei is kind, but stern.
So this is the path I've been taken, back to the beginning really, back to bushido, back to the ideal I've been molding through bodybuilding alone until now. Now I am Sun and Steel, traditional and contemporary, a step closer to a warrior ethos I've been chasing after for years.
Here we are approaching November as well... |
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| Lateralus |
[Oct. 23rd, 2008|05:27 pm] |
| [ | Music |
| | Tool - Lateralus | ] |
I embrace my desire to
Feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow
To feel inspired to fathom the power, to witness the beauty,
To bathe in the fountain,
To swing on the spiral
To swing on the spiral
To swing on the spiral of our divinity and still be a human |
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| Reconciliation |
[Oct. 21st, 2008|05:07 pm] |
This holy reality, this holy experience. Choosing to be here in...
This body, this body holding me. Be my reminder here that I am not alone in
this body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion.
Alive
This holy reality, in this holy experience. Choosing to be here in...
This body, this body holding me, be my reminder here that I am not alone in
This body, this body holding me, feeling eternal all this pain is an illusion...
Of what it means to be alive
Swirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this
Chance to be alive and breathing
Chance to be alive and breathing.
This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. Remember, we are eternal.
All this pain is an illusion. |
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| A Love of Pain |
[Oct. 14th, 2008|10:49 pm] |
The limitations of pain are held in the mind. It is important to note that a love of pain does not necessarily come from the moment of pain itself, but from the reprieve when it is taken away. Granted, the application of pain itself, at the moment the nerves are experiencing it is its own kind of pleasure, of appreciation, but the endorphin rush comes post-pain, when the body is given rest and floods itself with reward.
With muscles it is an interesting cycle. You stretch, pull, rip and tear down the fibers so that, when they repair they repair larger, stronger and denser, more acutely tuned to the action that originally tore it down. This brings an interesting thought to mind - if you beat, cut, burn, tear and rip a person's mind down, through physical and emotional pain, does it not regrow stronger, more resilient? It is likely...but like a muscle that is stretched too far, pulled too hard, or stressed beyond - the mind can also break, become damaged and dysfunctional. It is important then, that one be careful in the application of pain to the body and the mind. While I am just as guilty of extremes with physical pain as any other dedicated individual, I must be wary, at least conscious of the potential for premature self-destruction, leaving in my wake a broken piece of myself that sets me back from achieving total tolerance, strength - ascension as it were.
Can I safely draw the conclusion that a painful and extensive means of total self-destruction would result in a death experience akin to the endorphin rush of of the muscles? Now I'm stepping into the extreme fantastic...but it is worth considering when I read of Kiroaki, cutting open his stomach, with the sun exploding in his eyes at the moment of death...this is what Mishima hinted at, and what so many labeled as a sort of necophilious obsession.
It could be surmised then, that such a process of building a temple in the body is for a cheap and shallow reason - a lust to experience some sort of ultimate pleasure response, if only for a single moment before it and the continuance of one's own reality, of one's own "life" ceases to exist. In turn, it has been reduced to a purely sexual, perhaps purely sensual, moment.
This is throwing aside twisted interpretations of honor or glory altogether. Instead, this cuts through to the masochism involved, and just how strongly that underlines the pain/pleasure fascination. Therefore, I have to ask myself - do I follow this path because I am no different than any other addict? Do I weave my addiction up and into a veneer of honor, glory and inflated self-righteousness? Or am I truly following some sort of creed that puts me in the footsteps of the other greats? Am I hiding under a mask of ideals when the truth is that I am nothing more than a deviant? |
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| End of the line |
[Oct. 7th, 2008|07:48 pm] |
|
This is it. I'm all done now. Don't think there's much else to say or write. Just the end of things...that's all there is. |
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| Risk is Necessary |
[Oct. 2nd, 2008|11:49 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | bodybuilding | ] |
| [ | Music |
| | Marilyn Manson - The Fall of Adam | ] |
There are no arms below to catch me, no safety net to break my fall. This high wire act that is my life is all I have, it is all I know. Step after precarious step I struggle to keep my balance, too focused to look forward, too busy thinking about the next step to look back. I can’t afford the luxury to peer over my shoulder and assess how far I’ve come, because it truly means nothing in the end if I don’t make it to the other side. I’ve put myself out there, with my shit on the line, cuz it is the only way. The safety of the assured sure is seductive, but I have always known that such a life could never be mine.
The only solace I have is to know that my place will never be on the sidelines with those too scared to step out onto the wire. My only security is to know that I took the chances when others played it safe, that I anteed up when the rest folded. I will risk it all cuz that is all I know. My contingency plan has always been to die trying. I’m out here on my grind, where I belong, where I am home, where I am meant to be. If you need me, you know where to find me. I hope to see you there.
-Risk is Necessary, G Diesel |
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| The World |
[Oct. 1st, 2008|05:19 pm] |
| [ | Music |
| | Rammstein - Reise, Reise | ] |
Time to watch the world burn down. |
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| Gateway to Godlike |
[Sep. 25th, 2008|08:37 pm] |
You wanna get close to God? Go hurt yourself - severely. Rip your muscles until the ringing in your ears matches the blood rushing to your head and the spots of light start to cloud your vision - beat your mind into submission, let the body destroy itself, only to rebuild that night into something harder and stronger.
Wir müssen leben bis wir sterben! Ja! |
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| The New Standard |
[Aug. 1st, 2008|09:01 pm] |
The new standard. The past is irrelevant. Your dead end town, the job you hate, your friends that can't relate, the opinions of a family that doesn't understand… All equally meaningless. Fuck the short change, the dirty deeds and the tough breaks. Forget the lapses in judgment, the flaws in character and the decisions you wish you could get back. The new standard begins today. Born of the bubbling cauldron of dreams and ambitions blended with your concept of an ideal life, mixed with the manner in wish you always wished you'd presented yourself, this teeming amalgamation must be allowed to boil over, to spill into the nooks and the crevices of your existence, drowning out the failures of yesteryear. So much of who we are is predicated on how others react to us. So much of our perception of self grows forth from the reactions of others. This new standard demands that you present yourself in a fashion befitting your stature and in turn people will treat you accordingly. Hold yourself to the dictates and demands of this lofty archetype that you yourself have established. Be damned what the world expects of you, it should pale in comparison to what you expect from yourself. For when you demand only excellence, even your low points will exceed the best days of your peers. Look in the mirror and be proud of the man you've become, hold your head high enthused over the man you're becoming. The future begins now. This is the new standard.
-Diary of a Madman, Entry #128, by G Diesel |
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| Mr. Self Destruct |
[Jun. 20th, 2008|11:34 pm] |
| [ | Music |
| | NIN - Mr. Self Destruct | ] |
I am the voice inside your head
and I control you
I am the lover in your bed
and I control you
I am the sex that you provide
and I control you
I am the hate you try to hide
and I control you
I take you where you want to go
I give you all you need to know
I drag you down I use you up
Mr. Self-destruct
I speak religion's message clear
and I control you
I am denial guilt and fear
and I control you
I am the prayers of the naive
and I control you
I am the lie that you believe
and I control you
I take you where you want to go
I give you all you need to know
I drag you down I use you up
Mr. Self-destruct
...
I am the bullet in the gun
and I control you
I am the truth from which you run
and I control you
I am the silencing machine
and I control you
I am the end of all your dreams
and I control you |
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| Songs |
[Jun. 12th, 2008|06:52 am] |
List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre,whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now, shaping your spring. Post these instructions in your blog along with your 7 songs. Then tag 7 other people to see what they're listening to.
Te quiero puta! (I love you whore!) by Rammstein
Pet by A Perfect Circle
1996 by Marilyn Manson
So Far Away by Staind
Breathe into me by Red
Meaning of Life by Disturbed
Lithium by Evanescence
Now tagging ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) anachronologist aoitsukiko, graycub, last_bastion, lovesasa, nymphaea, rynngobragh. |
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| On My Shoulders |
[May. 19th, 2008|09:47 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | survival | ] |
| [ | Music |
| | Radiohead - Airbag | ] |
I want to help. It's that simple, but it extends beyond that - I want to save things, be the hero, fix the problems, ease the stress, mend the tears.
I find myself in a place where I can help, and I am charging through the ranks with bayonet in hand, teeth clenched, looking for work. I stand at the precipice between my family, and those I love and a great raging beast hell-bent on ending this way of life, and all that has been worked for and fought for - they are old and tired, I am young and strong and just as fanatic in my resolve to stop the oncoming storm.
What I am, I have built over time, one link of armor at a time, and now I stand steadfast and ready. Luck, often enough will save a man if his courage holds.
Now I just need a little luck.
In the next world war
In a jack knifed juggernaut
I am born again
In the neon sign scrolling up and down
I am born again
In an interstellar burst I am back to save the universe |
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